Debate Transcript(parody)

[Tim Lohrmann <timlohr@yahoo.com>]

Visionaries, 
Been watching the debates?
If so, this may be humor that hurts!
Enjoy!
TL
> 
> 
> Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential
> debate 
> between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W.
> Bush. 
> The candidates have agreed on these rules:  
> 
> I will ask a question.  The candidate will ignore
> the question 
> and deliver rehearsed  remarks designed to appeal to
> 
> undecided women voters.  The opponent will then have
> one 
> minute to respond by trying to frighten senior
> citizens into 
> voting for him.  When a speaker's time has expired,
> I will 
> whimper softly while he continues to spew
> incomprehensible 
> statistics for three more minutes.  
> 
> Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can
> you give us 
> the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us
> his or her 
> story in a way that strains the bounds of common
> sense?  
> 
> Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we
> tenderly 
> made love the way we have so often during the 30
> years of our 
> rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear
> choice in 
> this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for
> the richest 1 
> percent of Americans.  
> 
> I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1
> percent in an iron 
> clad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like
> Roberta 
> Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs.
> Frampinhamper has 
> been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay
> for gas so 
> that she can travel to these debates and personify
> problems for 
> me.  
> 
> Also, her poodle has arthritis.  
> 
> Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.  
> 
> Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day,
> hugging 
> people, crying with them, relieving suffering
> anywhere a photo 
> opportunity exists.  I want to empower those crying
> people to 
> make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose
> mother 
> is not Barbara Bush.  
> 
> Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if
> Slobodan 
> Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in
> Yugoslavia, 
> would you be able to pronounce his name?  
> 
> Bush: The current administration had eight years to
> deal with 
> that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the
> first thing I 
> would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer
> with our 
> allies. And then Dick would present me several
> options for 
> dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me
> which one 
> to choose.  
> 
> You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough
> foreign 
> policy decisions every day about how we're going to
> deal with 
> New Mexico.  
> 
> Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.  
> 
> Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been
> keenly 
> interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had
> an uncle 
> who was a victim of poison gas in World War I.  I
> myself lost a 
> leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war
> was over, I 
> came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way
> that any 
> undecided woman voter would find romantic.  
> 
> If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I
> pledge to deal 
> knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic,
> by putting 
> it in an iron clad lockbox.  
> 
> Because the American people deserve a resident who
> can 
> comfort them with simple metaphors.  
> 
> Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform
> the Social 
> Security system?  
> 
> Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe
> Lieberman and I 
> have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to
> allow us 
> to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without
> having it cost the 
> federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250.
> In addition, 
> my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10
> years to 
> guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs
> delivered free 
> to their homes every Monday by a federal employee
> who will 
> also help them with the child-proof cap.  
> 
> Lehrer: Gov. Bush?  
> 
> Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor
> of 
> Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up
> the 
> numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill
> potholes out on 
> Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the
> sheep barn 
> at the Texas state fairgrounds.  
> 
> Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.  
> 
> Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting
> 
> politician, but I will fight for the working
> families of America, in 
> addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit
> of marital 
> love for Tipper and me.  
> 
> Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the
> past by 
> electing no one but Republicans.  
> 
> Lehrer: Good night.  


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