FW: Send in the Pigs!

[Mitch Parks <mitch@mochaoflove.org>]

Not saying I agree... but I found it an interesting read nonetheless. :)

Mitch Parks

-----Original Message-----
From: Moore, Charles 
Sent: Wednesday, October 10, 2001 8:22 AM
Subject: FW: Send in the Pigs!


Subject: FW: Send in the Pigs!


Ok, another terrorist joke.........



I thought this was a pretty good tactic to take against
the terrorists. You'll get a chuckle at this off the wall approach! Read
on...

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Pigs, hogs, swine, porkers, barrows, trotters.  When Americans aren't
eating them -- hot dogs, bologna, spareribs, pig's knuckles, ham, bacon,
pork chops -- they're adoring them on TV or the big screen.  Hollywood
has transformed the stinky, snorty critters into lovable pink-bellied
icons known affectionately to all of us as "Porky Pig," "Arnold" or
"Babe."

In short, Americans (with the exception of orthodox Jews) love pigs.

But to Islamic fundamentalists, they are just stinky, snorty critters --
the quintessence of uncleanliness. Indeed, Muslims are forbidden to eat
pork by the Koran, their holy book.  To knowingly eat pork is to commit
an act of sin which could jeopardize their ascension to Paradise.

It's not just meat they have to be careful about eating.  They also have
to check that cheeses and yogurts -- even cake frosting -- don't contain
"unclean" byproducts such as pork lard.

When traveling on American jetliners, orthodox Muslims typically order
vegetarian meals to avoid the chance encounter with one of Arnold
Ziffel's relatives.  On Arabic airliners, they ask for a "blessed" meat
called halal. Such non-pork meat has been drained of blood during the
slaughtering and butchering process.  The Koran forbids the consumption
of animal blood (which makes pig's blood virtually radioactive, an
observation our military might find useful, as I'll explain further on).

So averse to pigs are Islamic fundamentalists, that even coming in
contact with them -- or any part of them, such as their hide -- means
defiling themselves.  It's not a sin to touch, say, a pigskin football,
but if they do, they are advised to wash their hands immediately.

Pig-fat products are on the list of items Afghanistan's ruling Taliban
militia has declared to be against the sharia, the ruling clerics'
interpretation of Islamic law.

So, you see, pigs are to Islamic terrorists -- such as Osama bin Laden
and his henchmen -- what kryptonite is to Superman, or what garlic is to
Dracula.

Take Mohamed Atta, for example. The suspected ringleader of the Sept.
11 hijackers was so careful not to eat pork fat that he scraped the
frosting from cakes.  Here was a man more afraid of eating a hint of
pork in a dessert than flying a jet full speed into a skyscraper.

See where I'm going with this?

Few in Washington want to admit it, but these Islamic fanatics have
baited us into a holy war.  And like it or not, we'll have to use their
religion against them to win.

Psychological warfare U.S.  forces should start by dropping leaflets
over Kabul, the capital of Afghanistan, warning residents, in their
native Persian tongue, that we've enlisted Afghani moles to contaminate
their water supplies with pig's blood.

The propaganda would also warn that American soldiers have greased their
bullets with pork fat.  We could tell them, while we're at it, that
we've ordered special pigskin-lined fatigues for this mission.

At night, we could bombard bin Laden's camps with recordings of
hog-snorting.  If he and his fellow terrorists won't come out of their
caves, send pen-loads of trotters in to nuzzle them.

Can't find bin Laden?  Force-feed Taliban clerics pork rinds until they
give up his location. If that doesn't work, air-lift pigs into their
mosques.

In the meantime, airlines could reupholster plane seats with pigskin,
and cover cockpit yokes with the "unclean" hide to repel future Islamic
hijackers.  For insurance, serve passengers bacon bits instead of
peanuts.

They're not afraid of death. However, they are afraid of pigs.  Send in
the porkers, lock them out of Paradise, and watch them surrender.