political humor

[bill london <london@moscow.com>]

I just could not stop myself from forwarding this bit of political humor...BL


>
> >>Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the third presidential debate between Vice President
> >>Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules:
> >>I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver
> >>rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters.  The
> >>opponent
> >>will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens
> >>into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper
> >>softly
> >>while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more
> >>minutes.  Let's start with the vice president.
> >>
> >>Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us
> >>his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
> >>
> >>Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the
> >>way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the
> >>downtrodden have a clear choice in this election.  My opponent wants to cut
> >>taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans.  I, on the other hand, want to
> >>put the richest 1 percent in an iron clad lockbox so they can't hurt old
> >>people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight.  Mrs. Frampinhamper
> >>has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she
> >>can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle
> >>has arthritis.
> >>
> >>Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
> >>
> >>Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people,crying with
> >>them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to
> >>empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent,
> >>whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
> >>
> >>Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were
> >>to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to
> >>pronounce his name?
> >>
> >>Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and
> >>didn't get it done.  If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that
> >>guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present
> >>me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me
> >>which one to choose.  You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough
> >>foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New
> >>Mexico.
> >>
> >>Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
> >>
> >>Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in.  I
> >>served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas
> >>in World War I.  I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War.  And when
> >>that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in a way
> >>that
> >>any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the
> >>office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign
> >>or domestic, by putting it in an iron clad lockbox. Because the American
> >>people deserve a president who can comfort the with simple metaphors.
> >>
> >>Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security
> >>system?
> >>
> >>Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed
> >>changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior
> >>citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the
> >>year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10
> >>years
> >>to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their
> >>homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the
> >>child-proof cap.
> >>
> >>Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
> >>
> >>Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do
> >>math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to
> >>fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the
> >>sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
> >>
> >>Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
> >>
> >>Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I will
> >>fight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White
> >>House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
> >>
> >>Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one
> >>but Republicans.
> >>
> >>Lehrer: Good night.
> >>
> >