Patriotic Satire

[Tim Lohrmann <timlohr@yahoo.com>]

July 4th fun!
TL


> Subject: How Our Present Media Would Report the 
          American Revolution;
             Revolution Begins, Boston, 1775 
> (as covered by the Associated Press)

> SCORES KILLED, HUNDREDS INJURED AS PARA-
> MILITARY EXTREMISTS RIOT
> BOSTON (AP) April 20th -- Police and National Guard
> units 
> seeking to confiscate a cache of recently banned
> assault 
> weapons were ambushed Sunday by elements of a para-
> military extremist faction. Military &
> law enforcement
> sources estimate that 72 were killed and more  than
> 200 injured before
> government forces were compelled to withdraw.  
> 
> Speaking after the clash, Massachusetts Governor
> Thomas 
> Gage declared that the extremist militia faction,
> has citizens 
> who have links to the tax
> protest movement. 
> Gage blamed the militia for  recent incidents of
> vandalism 
> directed against internal revenue offices.  
> 
> The Governor, who described the groups organizers as
> "terrorists," issued an executive order authorizing
> the summary 
> arrest of any individual who has interfered with the
> governments
> efforts to secure law & order.  
> 
> The law enforcement team augmented by elements of
> the 
> National Guard were sent to raid a militia arsenal
> after wide 
> spread refusal of extremists to turn over
> recently 
> outlawed assault weapons. This decision followed a
> meeting in 
> early July between government & law enforcement
> which 
> authorized the confiscation of the illegal arms,
> known as the 
> weapons of choice among criminals and militia's. 
> 
> One government official,  speaking on condition of
> anonymity, 
> pointed out "that none of these people would have
> been killed 
> had extremists obeyed the law and turned
> over the 
> weapons voluntarily."  
> 
> Police & Government forces initially succeeded in
> confiscating 
> a large supply of outlawed weapons & ammunition.
> However, 
> troops attempting to seize arms and ammunition in
> Lexington 
> met with resistance from heavily armed militia
> extremists who 
> had been tipped off regarding the governments plans.
> 
> During a tense standoff in Lexington's town park,
> National 
> Guard Colonel Francis Smith, commander of the
> government 
> operation, ordered the armed group to surrender and
> return to 
> their homes. The impasse was broken by a single
> shot, which 
> was reportedly fired by one of the extremists. Eight

> civilians were killed in the ensuing exchange.  
> 
> Ironically, the local citizens blamed the government
> forces 
> rather than the extremists for the civilian deaths.
> Before order could
> be restored, heavily armed militia groups from
> surrounding areas had
> descended upon the police and guard units. Colonel
> Smith finding his
> forces overmatched by militia mobs, ordered a
> retreat.  
> 
> Governor Gage has called upon citizens to support
> the 
> state/national joint task force in its effort to
> restore law and
> order. The governor has also demanded the surrender
> of those
> responsible for planning and leading the attack
> against the
> government. Samuel Adams, Paul Revere, and John
> Hancock, who have been
> identified as "ringleaders" of the extremist militia
> faction, remain
> at large.  


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